By Mel Carriere
The buzz around our office these days is that the new scanners we received just a couple weeks ago are equipped with a camera that can be used to spy on letter carriers. This news came down the grapevine through one of the carriers I work alongside, who is married to a clerk at another station. This clerk was apparently invited by a supervisor to watch the peep show on the computer. I don't know what you think, but to me this Big Brother capability is fraught with disturbing implications, because I think we all know we can trust our supervisors not to do the right thing. The very fact that a supervisor is letting a clerk in on the fun demonstrates that the system is already being abused.
Supervisors love to spew out vast volumes of warm air reproaching carriers for their perceived dishonesty and lack of integrity. They do this because they have none themselves, and when the planet you live on is inhospitable to honesty and integrity there is an unscientific tendency to assume the neighboring planets must be the same. Supervisors are not scientists, in case you haven't noticed.
To demonstrate how unscientific managers mostly just pay lip service to personal integrity, consider the following story of a station manager at an office I used to work at, who had a set of employee IDs in his desk that had been rejected for some reason. During meetings he and the supervisors would engage in games of "War" with the badges; the worst employees being the high cards and the good ones the low. They got many good hours of belly Lols doing this. The letter carriers at the station were never the wiser.
This Selfie capability is going to give your supervisors many more lols, plus a godlike omniscience over your personal life. No matter what they say, supervisors will be using these powers for evil. I can envision them sitting around the computer in a remote, forgotten office next to the janitor's closet, two or three of them huddled in front of the screen laughing their asses off while the junior 204b is posted by the door to sound the alarm. Somehow the Postmaster storms in secretly, pretends to be indignant at first, then chills out and joins the fun.
Can you imagine all the selfies the new scanners are going to get for these bored, easily amused supervisors? Nose picking selfies, and selfies of you scratching various prohibited parts of your anatomy are among a few. Talking to yourself selfies - let's face it, this job can get lonely and who else is there to talk to? Strange psycho face selfies because my doctor told me to stretch my face muscles five times a day but some people don't get it. Selfies of your rude lunchtime table manners; mainly your yogurt dripping down your chin because your momma ain't there to slap you or clean your face with a napkin. Peeing in the jug selfies...Selfies of you hungrily eyeing the fallen Dorito on the LLV floor, then casually picking it up and eating it in clear violation of the five second rule. Selfies of you squirming around and pulling on your postal pants to clear out the sweaty underwear butt creep. My twisted imagination could dig into even deeper, darker places...
It's a little disturbing to know that we are being watched. As I was eating lunch yesterday I felt the perverted, leering gaze of my scanner staring at me from its holster, which I have hooked to the dashboard of the LLV. I'm not doing anything wrong and I don't think anybody wants to take a voyeuristic peephole look at my ugly mug, but who can relax even with the possibility of being stared at while eating? I stuffed the contraption deep into my satchel until lunch was over. If you can't mind your own business I banish you into the darkness.
Be careful, you are being watched.
Be careful, you are being watched.
Image from: http://fcw.com/articles/2014/03/18/usps-mobile-device.aspx?m=1Friends taking the CCA test?
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