Sunday, March 15, 2015

DOIS Time Warp

By Mel Carriere

I am more than ever convinced that the the Delivery Operations Information System (DOIS), the program that is used by the post office to befuddle, harass, cheat and push letter carriers to the point of exhaustion and injury every day, must have been created right at the event horizon of a Black Hole, the kind of place where Einstein tells us that reality is severely distorted and time moves in a strange, non linear, unpredictable fashion.  I am absolutely certain that the DOIS programmers were imported from some warped world on the edge of such a Black Hole, a place where time is not governed by the same physical laws that it is here and the melting clocks on the wall come to a complete stop right at six hours and thirty five minutes.  You may say that this is some kind of hyper-fantastic science fiction scenario straight out of George Noory, but I contend it is the most believable theory to date. I paraphrase Occam's Razor, the principle that says that the simplest answer is often the best. How else can you explain DOIS without resorting to advanced physics that your supervisor certainly never took because he or she couldn't even get past the spelling portion of the SAT.

You may say that this is complete, utter nonsense, but when I look at the DOIS Workhour/Workload report posted by the time clock every day why else is the street time for my route always listed as six hours and thirty five minutes?  Only on a world where time comes to a complete stop would this make sense, and hence my belief that the DOIS programmers are not of this world.  No offense to these unfortunate alien beings, who were probably brought to this planet without valid work visas, then locked in a dark janitor's closet at 475 L'enfant Plaza SW and forced to toil away off the clock with no lunch or breaks while a supervisor occasionally beat them up with a clipboard and perhaps followed them to the bathroom.  But the fact is, DOIS defies every notion of time.

To be fair, this system works great on planet DOIS, where it is an award winning marvel of software engineering, but on Earth it has its limitations.  For instance, on planet DOIS it doesn't matter if you have 1,000 or 3,000 pieces of DPS, because the warped clock stops at six hours and thirty five minutes no matter what.  On planet DOIS it also doesn't matter whether you have the 30 parcels that were your "base" or 60 parcels.  Once again the clock stops and the happy, untroubled little letter carrier is able to get the route done in the same amount of time no matter what, every day.

Regretfully enough, on planet Earth none of these conditions exist, and no matter how Postal supervisors insist to the contrary, those of us who are in touch with reality know quite well that 3,000 pieces of DPS takes us, well, perhaps three times as long to deliver as 1,000, and double the parcels take, hmmm, about double the amount of time to drop off.  This is why, while DOIS kicks butt everywhere else throughout the galaxy, it just does not work on Earth.

Furthermore, although on Planet DOIS the postal supervisors are completely benevolent towards the letter carriers and never put unrealistic expectations upon them, on Planet Earth the supervisors use DOIS to their devious advantage while completely not paying attention when the mysterious alien hieroglyphs of DOIS work in favor of the letter carrier.  For instance, you supervisor will most certainly scold you on Tuesday because you were an hour over your "fixed" imaginary street time on Monday, but if you have heavy mail to case and will be leaving the office late, your Earthling supervisor suddenly doesn't care about your "fixed" street time and still insists that you have "undertime" and must pivot.

On Planet DOIS, perched precariously there on the edge of the "event horizon," no matter how many sick calls there are the letter carriers can pivot into infinity because, as I said before and must say again, time comes to a complete standstill at six hours and thirty five minutes.  On Earth the seconds keep on ticking away, however, even if the broken clock in the swing room is only correct twice a day.  I would love to say more on the subject but something has come up and I have to go.  It seems that the warped time clock on the workroom floor, severely distorted by the relativistic effects of DOIS math, is dripping slowly down the wall and I think I should call HAZMAT...

The Salvador Dali painting above is attributed to:  "The Persistence of Memory" by Image taken from Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia -

The Postal Tsunami is a powerful wave propelled by copious quantities of Starbuck's coffee, which is not cheap.  I have nothing to do with ad selection here, but unless these ads completely annoy or offend you I would appreciate if you could check out what my sponsors to the right and down below have to say.  Thanks for your support.

No comments:

Post a Comment